Starting up my sex life...

Leigh,
My diversion is different then yours. I have an Illeal Conduit that sticks outside my lower abdomen and a pouch and bag that covers it.

Since my plumbing is not connected to anything, I have no concerns of leakage during sex.

My operation was in late June 2007 and the doctor said that he saved the nerves. I have not had an erection since. However, that does not prevent me from having sex (or our version of sex).

Here is how my wife and I both share in the new world.

I have urges for sex. Even if I do not have an urge; with my wife's interaction, my urge starts right up.

We do a whole lot of foreplay. We touch, caress, and kiss in places that the other really enjoys. My role is to insure my wife totally enjoys the experience without actually inserting myself into her, because I can’t. This can be done by touching, caressing and kissing her sensitive areas.
Her role is to do the same with me. I actually have Phantom Ejaculations with a limp penis. I swore at first that something came out because if felt the exact same as before. It is dry as can be. It is amazing to have the same feeling without the mess.

The key to this is not to be the same as before. We still please each other (I do mean that my wife is as satisfied as before maybe even more).
How we started this new world was for me to concentrate the evening on pleasing my wife only. I told her it was my way of giving back to her; like she had done for me during surgery and recovery. It was uncomfortable at first, because she didn’t want the attention. She wanted equal attention giving. But, this turned out to be the best decision for us. My body felt the same reaction to my pleasing her that it did before. And towards the end of the evening, my wife just touched the right spots, and that is when the first Phantom Ejaculation occurred. We have perfected and grown in our version of sex. My wife said the other day, that she missed me inside her. However, the next statement was, “This is the best sex we ever had.” She said it is like starting all over again. As if we were teenagers again, learning what made the other person satisfied.

This is how we have stayed intimate. I am 49 years old and my bride much younger. I could not imagine not being able to enjoy each other intimately. However, I can imagine enjoying each other in this new way forever.

Good luck – Enjoy exploring your new way.

Rick

Leigh,
Your concerns are realistic, this new found challenge for r/c patients is one more to deal with. Some can't express it the way you have, due to fear etc. We don't get an intstruction booklet on the subject, therefore the forum, mens issues, what a great place to inquire about your particular fears. I admire you for asking these questions, I find men aren't so open on the subject for whatever reason. Your post alone will help other men see that what you have talked about is exactly what they are restling with. I know Tim has helped you and hope others will express there
ideas as well. Ginger

Dear Forum,

My sex life has been non existent since the RC last September 2007 as I have been faced with the hurdle of fear.

The nerve sparing technique was unable to be performed due to the location and size of the tumour.

I still have the urge to have sex and when I am turned on my penis does pulsate but with no erection. I have experienced a couple of semi erections that lasted a few minutes and when I mentioned this to my urologist he said that it was a good sign.

Small fine nerves must have been left over which can be stimulated. I was prescribed Viagra to be taken to increase the blood flow and also injections to gain an erection.

The issues I have presently are taking the next steps of starting up my sex life. My partner has been very patient and understanding but I feel it is now time to try and rebuild this part of our relationship.

During my hospital stay my partner saw me in a very vulnerable situation being bed ridden with tubes and bags hanging everywhere and wearing a nappy because of a leaking catheter.

Admirably my partner took on many caring roles which I am so grateful for and which made our bond even closer. I have always been a very independent person although during this time I had to totally give myself over to my carers.

This barrier I have in my mind of my partner seeing me in this way conflicts with my need to feel manly and sexy with my partner.

All the tubes and bags and staples are long gone but the memories and scars of the RC remain. I try to find a place in my mind for those memories but I am often confronted with flashbacks with certain smells and even music I listened too. I then visualize once more those Frankenstein moments.

The spontaneity of sex has gone for me as preparation will be required to inject to gain an erection. This I am sure will become normal in time and I should be grateful for small mercies.

Leakage during sex is something that plays on my mind as I have a studer pouch and urinate via my penis. My daytime continence is now 100% which is excellent except when I am surprised by a sneezing or coughing fit I have a few dribbles.

I enjoyed sex as did my partner but fear that the leakage of urine maybe an issue during sexual acts. Obviously the actions of sex will be pressing down on my new bladder and being in a relaxed state may increase the chances of leakage especially at climax.

Your own experiences would be very much appreciated in this area and please feel free to send me a personal message if you would prefer.

Kind Regards
Leigh