Well the roller coaster ride, each of us unfortunately is too familiar with, continues. I last reported my August 5th CT showed some promise to the treatment. No new cancer and the existing nodes had not grown since June. Well the good news was short lived; a fever and a variety of new pains has had me moving from one test to the next and struggling to hang on to hope.
The pain in my left shin and calf remains unexplained and restricts my mobility. There is a superficial clot in my right calf that I’m taking two 325 mg aspirin a day for. Percocet (5/325) provided some relief and I was finally able to relax enough to regroup mentally. So, trying to stay optimistic, I began looking forward to things, doing exercises to regain the strength lost to 4 weeks of inactivity and actually not thinking about being sick 24/7.
A VQ scan didn’t explain my rapid pulse although the report reads (results were “indeterminate for pulmonary embolus.”). The doctor would have liked to have done a spiral CT with contrast but the risk associated with my marginal creatinine ruled that out. There was a question of hypertrophic pulmonary osteopathy, which is associated with lower leg pain but the bone scan failed to demonstrate findings related to this disease. The bone scan did show abnormalities in the pelvic bone, which were not observed on the previous CT scans. Oddly (or perhaps not) a few days before the bone scan (which was my first) I had a new pain, this time in my left hip. I dismissed it as arthritis and the odd way I’ve been walking because of the pain in my legs. But metastases are the more likely explanation. I’m beginning to think hope isn’t all its cracked up to be. Sometimes it only seems to set me up for more pain.
More tests to follow. More decisions to be made. Since Dec 06 when I began this ride my mental strength has held steady, however the pain I’ve been in for the last month has worn that thin. Thank God for Xanax when panic replaces reality. But what is a proportionate emotional reaction to a reality that truly sucks? I hate that this disease is shrinking my world; no golf, no neighborhood walks, no dinners out or helping my working wife with chores and two years later I still miss my job (I was the superintendent of a small urban public school district).
I search for the strength to not give in. A short trip to Barnes and Noble to book shop for my granddaughter helped, but right know I think I’m losing, and anyone that knows me knows how much I hate losing. So with the help of family and friends, the opportunity to vent on this site, Percocet and Xanax I’ll continue to move forward, albeit slowly and not without adversity.
I know my struggles with this disease are not unique. Each of you at this site are on a similar ride and are in my prayers for the strength, courage and faith to manage the rode ahead.
Dan
