It has been awhile since I posted anything regarding our family's journey. I have been reading posts daily and responding here and there, but I haven't really addressed our news or lack there of. I have been extremely depressed over the last week. Hysterically crying, taking a drive just to scream! My husband has been incredibly calm during this breakdown...I guess he feels like it is my turn. We have always been really good at this actually...so it is not surprising that even at this point we are still working on the 80/20 relationship...even if it is just emotionally...I have been giving 110%, sometimes it feels like 200%, I think over the last few months I have been running on reserves, over the past week or so everything just crashed! I wasn't in denial about the fact that my husband is going to die, I guess I was just in hyper speed thinking that I could outrun it somehow.
Everyday I see a change, it takes longer for him to sit up, to stand up...he is very weak...everything hurts so even the joy of snuggling close can actually cause pain...this I think is the cruelest part about the cancer that has now invaded his bones...I want to hold him so badly, and I ache for one of his bear hugs...those days I am afraid are gone forever. This man who could do anything, I mean anything, is slowly losing his ability to do even the simplest tasks.
We talk about everything...I think this is a gift even in the midst of this terrible disease...there is no topic off limits...I know that this is rare...most people don't want to discuss death...we learn very young that death is scary...I urge all caregivers and family members to talk to their loved ones...tell them your fears of life without them, how much you are going to miss them, how you are scared & lonely. They will open up to you as well. It is a hard topic...but don't miss the opportunity to really open up an feel...I will warn you that once the floodgates are open it is hard to close them...but it is freeing as well...Who better to talk to about what is happening then the loved one? Say everything, anything...but don't ask how they are feeling...they feel like shit! They are dying...but they don't know when or how it is going to happen...try your best to comfort them, with love, words, and support...but don't act like nothing is wrong...Cancer can be a very lonely disease...friends and family don't know how to cope some even opt out of the mix...TALK ! This is my best advise...
This journey is heart wrenching, agonizing, exhausting...It feels like life is on hold...we are just waiting for the next bomb to drop...what will be the next thing we lose? For now my husband is in good spirits, eats well, sleeps a lot, is in constant pain. Is still continent, and has his wonderful sense of humor! We don't go anywhere, it hurts too much to walk, and sitting in a wheelchair is too painful, so we try to make the best out of being home bound. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring...I hate the clock these days, and the calender, well I don't look further than a day or two in the future...I do feel that we have been robbed of so many precious years together, and that my children have definitely been robbed of the most awesome father. I don't know if my little guy will even remember his father not being so sick, and in bed...that is a hard one for me too.
We do plan on getting the injection of Quadramet, we have so many family members coming into town, he doesn't want to risk the chance of any germs while his immune system is compromised. I wish they would wait to come...but he wants to see them so we will wait until a little later in the month. I am hopeful that it will give some relief...and that the side effects are minimal.
So that is where we are now...Just sad...I don't know what else to say...
I pray for us all everyday...I hope you will keep our family in yours,
Karen
