Kimberly, I have had two recurrences of tumor (TaG1) since my initial TURB in Dec. 2005. I had no recurrence for one year, and felt ecstatic at each cysto. Then, the first time I saw that little bitty stalk of cancer on the screen (and had it biopsied and burnt off right then, owww), I went out to my car and LOST IT. Cried so hard I couldn't drive. I'd been coming here, knew this could happen, but I freaked. I didn't think "OMG I'm going to die"... I just freaked thinking "I have cancer AGAIN". So, BCG again, more clear cysto's, and then a second recurrence 18 months ago.. this time, I didn't cry. I hate to say this, but you get USED to it. Ha, try and get people to understand that you get USED to hearing "uh-oh, here we go again", as a doctor is viewing the inside of one of your major organs! I hope you do not have that first recurrence with all my heart.. but if you do, your feelings will be normal, go ahead and freak out a bit
and come back here and vent to all these wonderful people who know exactly what you are feeling! Note: I guess there really is no "normal" way to feel when you have cancer - it is what it is, but knowing you are not ALONE is very important; and allowing yourself your freak-out moments without feeling "abnormal" is important, too!
Be strong, remain fearless!
Lauren