Deb,
A second opinion from a urologist is another route you could take, as in my case again the two urologists agreed that taking the lymph nodes laproscopically and doing frozen sections was a good way to go. If they are involved and one wants to do chemo first then you can stop the procedure and do your chemo soon after, because recovery from laproscopic surgery is much easier than an open procedure to remove lymph nodes.
I went with the gut feeling I had concerning the oncologist, and told my urologist I wanted surgery first. He told me that he didn't necessarily agree with the oncologist and was fine with doing the surgery in this manner (this is something we talked about long before having the pathology report from the TURBT, so he wasn't just saying this because it was all of a sudden what I wanted to do). As I mentioned in my previous post to you I went with my gut feeling, and also my feeling secure with the urologist who would be doing the procedure. I had FAITH in him, he's a man of faith (muslum) and believes in prayer. This all came about from some very simple words he had said to me early on in the process of diagnosis and staging, I knew he was the right person for the job!
I wish for you and your husband to find someone you can have that same faith in, as you can also read about others on this site who also have faith in their surgeons or oncologists whichever way they chose to go with treatment. That comes from being a well informed patient or family member of a patient, which then helps you to make the right decision medically as well as having that feeling of faith in your doctors and caregivers.
We're hoping things will be getting better soon for the two of you, and you're in our prayers.
Lou