OK....is there anything anyone can say to help me feel better? I greatly appreciate the comments from each of you and I recognize we cancer warriors need to be vigilant and strong.....but doesn't all this mnformation sometimes just do more to confuse and frustrate us. Someone like me maybe has too much time to think. I woke at 3 a.m. wondering if I should reconsider surgery and just wait and see. I mean considering how the chemo has affected my bladder, the poor thing wouldn't know it was under stress, even if it was.
This Friday I am at the end of my second month or cyle of chemo....I think I have tolerated it well all factors considered but it is wearing me down and I am getting shots every week now for low cell counts. I'm not sure I want to go another two months of it as the doctors recommend....esp. if it begins to affect my fingers as I must be able to write. I felt I was doing the right thing agreeing to the chemo as I didn't want radiation and BCG was not an option for me, or so I was led to believe, my cancer being too aggressive.
I have an appt. with my surgeon for late June in Seattle to plan for surgery sometime in September. I trust God will see me through this but I need some emotional support from someone down here.
My spouse does not want me to have the surgery....I think he is still into denial to a large extent as he is reluctant to talk the subject of my health in detail and has no desire to meet or talk with the surgeon. All he can say is "I just want my wife back". As you might guess, he doesn't handle change well....never has.
He was not there for my TURB either, but that was OK as he is terrified of hospitals. If he cannot be calm, compassionate, patient and supportive, I do not want him there, or anyone else for that mattter. I have even told him and a best friend that I cannot afford to spend time with negative people....they are too draining. When I have to listen to them whine to me about the simple things of everyday life that can be annoying....like thier jobs, traffic, taxes, a new scratch on their car.......it just makes me >
angry.
Since beginning this journey, I have found that some of those who I thought were closest to me, in fact, are really not here for me when I need them. And since I live in a rural area, 22 miles from any city, and 70 miles from where I will have the surgery done, I have to count on emails, phone calls, and these websites to help me move forward in a positive way. And yes, I am a person of faith and pray daily but sometimes I just need a hug.
But no one down here can offer me better emotionl support than you folks who have been there and done that.....fought the battle and continue to fight it.....you are a brave and noble lot and I applaud you for your strength, courage and kindness. Please keep it up as there are so many others like me out here looking for direction and hope. Well, I must close out now before I :'( cry. Sometimes that helps and sometimes not.
A few years back I met a very charming English gentlemen and since both of our business' were going thru economic struggles, we were wondering if we would continue to have jobs. To cheer me up, he said, "you know what we say in England.....keep your pecker up." Well, that is what I am trying to do. Thanks for listening. Melodie