Hi, all.
Among many other things, cancer has been a real learning experience.
As you probably know, my dad is 77 and has metastatic bladder cancer which has spread to the bone. They live about 5 1/2 hours from me and my mom is his caregiver. My mom is 7 years younger than my dad, plus about an additional 10 years younger in activity level, etc. Plus, she is a great person but has never been much of a nurse. Some people just are and some are not.
All that being said, this has been very stressful for her. Her whole life now is doctors appointments, chemo appointments, etc., plus taking care of all the things my dad used to take care of.
I called tonight and she sounded upset. She had just gotten angry at my dad because she feels like he doesn't have enough energy and it is really bothering her. She feels like he is giving up or isn't fighting very hard.
Instead of just LISTENING (duh), I jumped to my dad's defense, and said (in probably a snotty voice) "Well, he does have terminal cancer, is in the middle of chemo, and just had to get 2 units of blood this week and probably only has 3 months to live, so give the guy a break." Well, this made her cry (hard) and I am kicking myself. I apologized, etc., but still am feeling so bad and I need to get this guilt off my chest.
I can't imagine how hard it is to be the caregiver and yet always be the afterthought on everyone's mind (i.e. How is dad, how is the chemo going, did the transfusions help, any fever, and talk to you guys later, with "How are you doing" as more of an afterthought.) I know her anger is just a cover for her fear that he is going downhill and she can't stop it from happening, and she can't get him to stop it from happening either.
I am feeling very sad tonight, although my visit last week was really great and felt a lot like "quality time" with both of them. I am now going to stop kicking myself and just do a little better in the future.
Hope you all are well. Floshoe